I feel like trash right now and basically it hurts like hell. But its better than not having him in your life at all.  I miss him so much. Its because i love him so much. I want him back but if he's not wanting it then i can't force it. I need him to be with me and at the same time i just feel like i want him there. Its actually better to see him at this point. Than to just act like you don't know him. 

Right now the pain is unbearable. Its so much that i can't even get out of bed. I starve myself to death thinking that physical pain is still better that emotional baggage. I can't stop thinking of him. My mind always wonders how much i love him and care about him. But i guess friendship is what he wants at the moment and that i can give. I can't be selfish and just think of myself. I have to think of why he was like that.

Maybe past experience or it was just too early to tell. We have fun together and i want it to stay like that. I want us to have fun. I may not be able to say this to his face everyday. but i love him and i know that he does too.

*think of the positivity the situation brings, just live life and have fun.*

I'm hurt right now. My heart is basically bleeding. I fell in love once again and i didn't realize it til he was gone. I didn't know that my feelings for him were this strong and this deep. I was willing to sacrifice anything for him at this point. It was my fault but it was a misunderstanding. I love him i just hope he knows that. I will do anything to get him back. Right now he's asking for time apart. Its not hard to give but i want to do something more. We have only been dating for a little while but it was magical. Every moment i spend with him was true. He doesn't approve of my clothing so he changed me to fit in. He didn't approve of my music so he taught me how to listen to his. He showed me the best places in new york and most of all he taught my heart how to beat for someone again. 

He was the reason why i wanted to stay. Why i didn't want to just go away. He was everything to me for the past 2 months. The problem was me. I misunderstood him and everything we were doing. I was in another country where labels were not really a thing. I was confused on what we were and how i was suppose to act. I did something that hurt him so much. He interpreted my actions differently. My mistake because i wasn't able to tell him the facts. I wasn't able to explain. I was drunk and basically didn't know what i was doing. I learned my lesson. but is it too late?

I love him. I really do. He asked me why i loved him. But i didn't have a reason. I just love the company, the romance, the US. I love him because he was true. No bullshits attached. No running around the bush. He says what he feels and i know that he loves me.

He was an asshole believe me. When he broke it off. I was hurt that i cried for 48 hours and is still counting. There was no passing moment that i didn't think about where he was, what he was doing?, was he with someone else? or why did this happen? no passing moment that i don't remember him. I want to see him. Even from a distance. I wanted to be with him. Even just for awhile.

It hurts sooooooooo much. but the truth is the pain is not enough to make me stop loving him.  

Im in another state. STATE being the word, well lets just say it includes everything. New life, new being, new house, new soul and well an entirely new state of mind. I have been in the US for quite sometime now and i really miss home. I miss how my dogs would cuddle up at night. I miss how i could just go out of the house and find friends with happy faces. I just miss how my life was. 

Basically its been really boring. Although not all, I can say some were quite interesting. Other times i would go for "its not my kind of fun", but since you're new you just go with the flow. People often mistake me for a 12 year old. So i have to bring a valid ID all the time. Its not nice holding the line just cause you are trying to argue with the bouncer that despite your petite height and you cutesy appearance. You're already 25!!!!

Interesting really. I can't even find a single job. I have sent my resume to a lot of companies, but like i have stressed to my mom time and again. I DON'T HAVE LOCAL EXPERIENCE. so i'm not easily hired.

I just really wanna go home and start there. I know i have a better future waiting for me back home. but yeah if you can't beat them. join them.

+trials are there for a reason, its how you solve them and how you get through that makes you your own person.+

 

A new year and a new life... A new love for me to have... this is the start of my new chapter and i hope to put it all here... :D all the ups and the downs and all of its turn around... :D 

gabe... ngayon nalang ako nagkatime... haaaayyyy... anyway, what's up people.... i miss this blog ne.... i don'tuse cause he's not my world anymore.... iba na po.... haaaaayyyy... anyway... sana okay langkayong lahat....